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Mail From: whawn (Wayne Hawn)

I love the "boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
line!

-----Original Message-----
From: Birney, Kenneth [mailto:(email redacted)]
Sent: Friday, April 05, 2002 3:44 AM
To: Miata (E-mail)
Subject: [Miata] FW: If Star wars was set in Glasgow,Scotland...
(NMC) but really funny...



> If star wars was set in Glasgow:
>
> You kinda have to know something about the Glasgwegian sense of mind, and
> you'll also have to realise that this is a characature of us Glaswegians -
> we're not ALL like this!!
> Chewbacca would look roughly the same, except he'd only be 5 feet tall,
> from Blackhill, and called Shug.
> He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos,
> permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Celtic or Rangers
> top.
>
> Obi-Wan-Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his
> cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would call him "wanky
> nobby".
>
> Darth Vader would be referred to as "Auld Helmet Heid" or in moments of
> stress "That dome heided bastard".
>
> R2-D2 would refuse to go out onto the streets at night after 10pm because
> of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his casing,
> or pissing on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at
> any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front
> of a speeding train/set on fire.
>
> Although proficient in over 3500 languages, C3PO would still be unable to
> understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would
> regularly get beaten up for being a "greetin' faced poof fae Newton
> Mearns"
>
> The Millennium Falcon would have static stripes, tinted wind screens and
> extra- flared exhaust pipes. It would have a Daily Record "I love
> Scotland" sticker in the back window and a saltaire (St Andrews Cross)
> bumper sticker.
>
> Princess Leia Would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run
> very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels, and a tiny silver
> mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And
> you've been a heavy smoker since the age of six.
>
> The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be an all out
> attack, Two easy ways would be - 1) Alter its orbit so it passed through
> Bridgeton, and tell the locals that it was full of Roman Catholics. 2)
> Leave in unattended in Easterhouse.
>
> Lines from the film would be uttered in vernacular:-
>
> Han Solo
> "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
> (Ah'm shittin ma sel' here boy!)
>
> "Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around"
> (Come right ahead then c****! Fight the f***ing lot o ye!)
>
> "There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny"
> (The force?! D'youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!)
>
> "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Blaster at
> your side kid."
> (Nae messin aboot wae the God squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel'
> a decent shooter)
>
> Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
> "The Force is strong in this one"
> (Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd)
>
> Princess Leia
> "You're a little short to be a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
> (Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis)
>
> "This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade"
> (Wuv got nae chance in this pile o' shite)
>
> Admiral Motti
> "don't try to frighten us with your sorcerers ways, Lord Vader"
> (You think yer that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!)
>
> Obi Wan
> "I felt a great disturbance in the Force"
> (F*** me, whit wiz aw that?)
>
> Luke to the Emperor
> "Your overconfidence is your weakness"
> (Oh ye bloody think so!!)
>
> Along the same Star Wars vain, here's something else that tickled me.
>
> There's apparently going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release
> of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the
> scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose
> ends created with the release of Episode 1...
> THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK EXTRA-SPECIAL EDITION
> INT BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER
> A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
> SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off
> Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs
> away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight
> down.
> DARTH VADER: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
> LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
> DARTH VADER: No, Luke... I am your father!
> LUKE: No! It's not true! It's impossible.
> DARTH VADER: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
> LUKE: NO!
> DARTH VADER: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that
> brass droid of yours?
> LUKE: Threepio?
> DARTH VADER: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was only 7 years
> old...
> LUKE: No...
> DARTH VADER: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
> lightsaber, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out
> of the swamp...
> LUKE: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
> DARTH VADER: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed
> a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
> LUKE: Well, it's not my fault...
> DARTH VADER: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I
> wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the
> Sith...waahhh wahhh!"
> LUKE: Shut up...
> DARTH VADER: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
> exterminated the Jedi knights!
> LUKE: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
> DARTH VADER: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of
> the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here
> baby!
> (LUKE looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)
> DARTH VADER: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you
> are, but you sure ain't mine...
> (LUKE takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
> shaft. DARTH VADER looks after him.)
> DARTH VADER: Get a haircut!
>

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